This “For A Great Guy” cup is large enough to hold enough steaming brew for Dad to sip and ponder the wonderfulness of fatherhood as exhibited on these astounding LP covers featuring families all fluffed and coiffed for their musical debuts.  I thank the following families for looking and dressing so good as to commemorate Dad’s magnificent power to pop out the little ones who support their fathers no matter how misguided their appearance decisions may be.

On this LP cover Dad can feel like it’s Christmas all year round when he wears his new robins egg blue polyester jacket and whatever’s in that box. My only wish is that he had more hair so he could have the same flat-as-a-landing-strip haircut his son does.

I’m happy to see the lavender-tinged Gill family celebrating Dad by wearing matching napkins around their neck. Dad’s haircut seems to have inspired all the male Gills except Junior down on the right.  I give him til he’s 12.

Wow, Dad’s growth hormones definitely worked on the vertical plane.  And mom spent all her afternoons studying the Kennedy women in Life Magazine.

The entire Einert family has excellent head shapes for the follicular style that atops them.  Mommy’s hair looks like Jiffy Pop and Bill and Jim’s ties look like they’re made from a tablecloth. I’m serious. Where’s the knot? And why are the Einerts so happy if, in fact, God is slipping away?

Not at all sure what happened to Daddy here other than he had the good sense to be photographed in front of a fake brick wall.

Happy Father’s Day to all the sharp dressed men with matching families out there and may you all be sipping something special out of a ginormous Great Guy cup.

An excellent sign of Kitsch is when names are bent and mutated to fit a purpose.  This one’s a perfect blend – The ever-Italian Mouseketeer, Annette, with the perfect name (and flip hairdo) to add that guaranteed-to-be-cheesy ‘ette’ onto the end of something to assure its kitschified status.

Annette Funicello’s embroidered blouse may be as snappy as her fingers but nothing’s knocking me more out than her perfectly painted lips. About 20 years ago I was in a thrift shop. It was pouring rain, perfect conditions to hit the outside bargain area where they’ll practically give away things for free on a rainy day just to not have to deal it after.  There was a canvas lying face down on the ground. There was no chance it was going to be good as even if something fabulous was painted on it it was surely now melted from soaking in the bathtub sized puddles. But lo and behold, when I turned it over I almost melted myself. It was a hand-painted portrait of Annette, nary a hair askew, colors as vibrant as the day her ever-present smile popped out of the womb.  And even better, there was a cut out photo of her lips pasted next to her on the canvas and in large childlike scroll this autograph in lipstick:  “To Tony, Lots of luck to you always! Love, Annette”.

This portrait deserves a lot more than a quick mention in a post about something else, even something as great as “Italiannette”. So I merely show it here as evidence that my story above is true as the autographed portrait is deserving of its own Kitsch O’ The Day exploration which will happen someday soon. I think I’m going to put on “Italianette” and enjoy looking at it even more right now.

These little hard plastic record coasters were all the rage in the 1950’s and 60’s when 45’s and 33-1/3’s were blasting from hifi’s all over the world and Tom Collins, Manhattans and Hi Balls were resting on them as everyone did The Jitterbug and Stroll, topping it off with The Twist.   Some of the coasters were just cheesy versions of records featuring hit drinks:

Others used them as an advertising tool:

All of them came in handy little record jackets:

They were cute and practical as water rings no longer ruined blond wood kidney shaped tables and other groovy Atomic furniture the drinks were set upon.

I had a set of these last night with me in the recording studio so I didn’t leave rings on the mixing console. Although we’re not holding our drinks or displaying our coasters they were there in full force. I wanted my mind in peak enjoyment mode as I got to hear/produce Fantasia recording my song, “I’m Here” from my musical, The Color Purple, LIVE with a 40 piece orchestra.

(L-R) Frank Filipetti (engineer), Brenda Russell (my co-writer/ co-producer), Stephen Bray (co-writer/ co-producer), Joseph Joubert (arranger, conductor), Fantasia, Greg Phillinganes (keyboard player extraordinaire) and me (co-writer/ co-producer).

I’ve been collecting these coasters long enough that I could have brought one for everyone but the night was about making music and not decorating so the bulk of my stash stayed safely at home awaiting the next cocktail, Slurpee or Vernors to be placed upon it.

Fantasia as Celie. Fantastic cast, many from the original Broadway production. Five years of my life into the making of this baby. I’m very proud of it. If you’re in LA come to the Pantages.

Right, the first thing that hits your lips when you think of Maya Angelou is that she’s “Miss Calypso”. But in her early days the prophet poetess was a chanteuse in a slinky red dress back-bending under the limbo bar. This Liberty LP was recorded at The Keyboard club in Hollywood in 1956. Angelou’s Afro-Cuban-with-a-pinch- of -Blues-and-Jazz standards include “Scandal In the Family”, “Mambo In Africa”, “Donkey City” and “Stone Cold Dead In The Market”, the first two of which she wrote.

Man of greased-Beatles-bowl-haircut and beauty-parlor-cape-karate suit chops concrete blocks in efforts to deliver the mighty message of God. But 14 slices of prime LP cheese in the name of the Lord later, Crane is the real deal, a Preacher and master of Kung-Fu and Karate for 45+ years with a 10th degree black belt equivalency. 

Called ‘the hard-headed preacher’ for his talent of breaking things like 1,950 pounds of ice using only his body, Crain is also famous for his “Human Sandwich of Death” feat in which he broke a 1,675 pound concrete slab with a 20-pound sledge hammer while laying between two beds of nails with the concrete on top of him. But the Karatist Preacher is perhaps best known for his samurai skills, sending Michael Jordan to the hospital for three stitches after his sword slipped while slicing a watermelon laying on Jordan’s stomach. No lie. 

In the ultimate master business plan, Crain uses Kung-Fu and Karate to attract an audience to the church sponsoring him and then follows his martial arts demonstrations by preaching the Gospel that started with this amazing LP.

I only met Michael Jackson once. It was 1980 and I was at Hollywood Sound recording with Earth Wind & Fire and he was working in the room next door. This was before Billy Jean shot him into the stratosphere but Michael Jackson was still a music God. He walked over to me but as he gave me a big grin and very gentle almost-handshake someone burst into the studio and said Richard Pryor had set himself on fire. Everyone just froze and I quietly slipped out of the room. Those old school recording studios are as soundproof as tombs but I could hear all the commotion in the lobby as he ran out.

Though many of my friends co-wrote many of his classic songs I never wrote for Michael until a few months ago when Steve Porcaro, of Toto and ‘Human Nature’ fame, called and said Michael had called him looking for hit singles. We worked on and off over the next few months and finished a fantastic lush and layered Human Nature type song called “The Little Things”. Though Michael never got to hear it, the Man In The Mirror type chant that opens it will forever remind me of him.

This 1984 Limited Edition Michael Jackson “Superstar of the 80’s” Doll features the King in his Beat It outfit. He came with ‘glittering “Magic” Glove and microphone’ but I’ve lost those over the years. Thriller, Billy Jean, American Music Awards and Grammy outfits were also available. He twists at the waist and bends with moveable arms so you can “recreate his famous dance steps”. 

I’ll break open the 1984 box of Michael Jackson Dress-Up Set Colorforms on another Kitsch O’ The Day within the next few days. R.I. P. M.J.

Not sure what kills me most about this Christian Crusaders LP cover: The guys’ matching shirts, ties and Good Humor pants, how the spaghetti-thin flip-adorned female’s 70’s rug-like skirt misses the color scheme completely, the arrangement of flesh under the large guy’s pants, the twists and turns of his greased hair helmet and pork chop sideburns, the mystery of the exact size of the scrunched up guy on the ledge or that this religious LP features “The Monkey Song”. If the Christian Crusaders and Al Davis sound anywhere as good as they look we’re all in for a joyful noise!

Long before I co-wrote the musical The Color Purple, in which trees are a powerful symbol, I believed these lumber providers were among nature’s most powerful species. But I never knew they could talk. Geraldine Murray, who claims God delivered her the gift of ventriloquism while she was asleep at age 14, apparently felt differently. Her wooden friend, Ricky’s, voice could make your ears bleed, perhaps causing the tree, well actually shrubs, they’re sitting in front of to creak loud enough for Geraldine to interpret it as speaking. 

Geraldine & Ricky cut a few albums on the World Records Of Nashville label in the 1960’s. Though all that survives in my collection are the covers – vinyl cracks a lot easier than wood – they are among the Kentucky Derby champions in the Christian Kitsch LP race. 

Side 1

Side 2

Geraldine and more wood:

The only thing cheesier than the background vocals on these Beatles-meet-Lawrence Welk soundalike tracks is the shape of the wigs and amount of arrows that are used to lead your eye across the overcrowded cover. What plus what equals what? Pre-karaoke at its best.