19Jun 2011

Allee Willis’ Kitsch O’ The Day – Happy Father’s Day ‘Papa’ Cup

19Jun 2011

Allee Willis’ Kitsch O’ The Day – Happy Father’s Day ‘Papa’ Cup

I have a problem with lettering on cups when the word is short yet from no angle on the cup can you see the entire word.

And I always think that cup manufacturers cheese out when they don’t spring for anything printed on the back. The last time I looked there were more righties than lefties, which means that ‘Papa’ is ignored the lionshare of the time.

The little leaf pattern seems a tad too delicate for ‘Papa’.

And speaking of that which is not entirely masculine, let’s discuss the handle of this cup:

In addition to being a little froufrou, those sharp little bits of ceramic sticking up dig into the back of your thumb  and side of your middle finger like little knives, making it impossible to hold this as one would naturally hold a cup lest you risk puncture wounds.

I know that ceramic piece stretching across the inside of the cup is to keep ‘Papa’s’ mustache out of his coffee. But this looks much more like a bat to me and if I were ‘Papa’ I wouldn’t be so happy about my lips resting on an animal often confused for a rodent.

And what are all those brown spots at the bottom?

They’re embedded deep in the glaze and I have no idea how they got there as it’s a completely different color than the gold that graces the rest of ‘Papa’s’  cup.

Hopefully you have fewer gripes about your father than I do about this cup. If so, please wish ‘Papa’ Happy Father’s Day for me!

08May 2011

Allee Willis’ Kitsch O’ The Day – Happy Mother’s Day!

08May 2011

Allee Willis’ Kitsch O’ The Day – Happy Mother’s Day!

Mother’s Day has always provided supreme opportunities for kitsch. Be it flower arrangements, stuffed animal displays in front of gas stations for last minute pick-ups, or greeting cards – store bought and handmade equally qualifying –  Mother’s Day is a kitsch karousel that never ceases to go round.

Almost everything I owned growing up was thrown out when my mom passed away suddenly when I was 16 and my father remarried. Aside from a rubber doll I got for my first birthday whose head was tied on with a string and a Ben Casey bobble head with a hole in his heart, the result of me shoving a pencil through it after an unrequited love incident at 12, I had almost nothing to remind me of the sweeter life that preceded all of this. (Which is why it meant so much to me to get back into the house I grew up in a few weeks ago.)

About 20 years ago, after years of thinking these two medically deficient dolls were the only artifacts of Little Allee that remained, my brother shipped me my old steamer trunk that had been hogging a corner of his garage since I graduated college. I had always assumed it was empty but inside was a small cigar box that contained letters, post cards, hamburger recipes, and this Mother’s Day card I had made for my mom when I was God knows how old. I hope it wasn’t too old as my interpretation of the world was slightly naïve.

I have no idea what country Mekoila is right above the S. Pole and I’m happy to see that I thought California was important enough to hog the entire West side of the United States. I have no idea if I actually thought that Michigan, where I drew my happy little self in, was really the east-most state or if I forgot to leave room for it when I drew this map that looks more like a cross-section of a cow with different meat cuts in it. I hope you can see the little thumb I gave Michigan for accuracy right above my left hand. And I’m happy that I took the time to draw myself in my favorite type of pleated dress in grades 2-6:

I’m the tall one. And if memory serves, that’s actually a giant Mother’s Day rose tucked into my belt that I made out of  a toilet paper roll and tissue paper to give to my mom a couple of years after I made this card. My mother’s name was Rose so that flower had a lot of significance in our family.

I definitely misspelled ‘You’re’ but I’m happy to see that I gave the rose much petal definition and that the  leaves look like jubilant uplifted arms. It was a very happy rose and a very happy Rose that celebrated Mother’s Day that year. I did, however, completely cheese out on the poetry I included inside. I have no idea where I copied this from but I’m happy to see that I knew enough as a budding designer to carry over the rose logo.

Thankfully in my later years I progressed to the point where I didn’t need someone else’s words to express how I was feeling.

Never one to leave space empty for long, I ended the card with a picture of a present. Of course, my mom’s only present from me was this card but as a first grade teacher she  always appreciated the effort I put into art.

Happy Mother’s Day to all the moms out there.  And happy Mother’s Day, Rose, wherever you may be.

24Apr 2011

Allee Willis’ Kitsch O’ The Day – The Worst Easter Chicks Ever

24Apr 2011

Allee Willis’ Kitsch O’ The Day – The Worst Easter Chicks Ever

These are without question the mangiest chicks ever, that is if these feathery creatures are, in fact, “chicks”. Hard to tell in this little display diorama, whose elegant mirrored-inside swoop made the original owner kitschingly ecstatic when they bought this, most likely in the 1970’s or 80’s. Except people who buy things like this have no idea that something is so tragically off. They view it, instead, as a thing of beauty. The “chicks'” owner probably didn’t even wait for Easter to display them but, rather, kept them out all year, they were THAT beautiful to them.

In the 1950’s and 60’s there were little mink earrings and keychains that looked like the “chicks”. Little black dot noses and made of real mink.

The minks look suspiciously like the Easter “chicks”.


You could also make the argument that the “chicks” are French Poodles. After all, a tongue is a lot more appropriate for a dog than for a chicken.

But still, these were clearly sold on eBay as “Easter chicks”.


If you look really close you can see how sloppily the “chicks” are made.

I know, the shot is very blurry. But after trying to shoot it 25 times I gave up. The “chicks” defeated me. But you can still make out the dark bowling pin shape in the mirror behind the “chick”. The Gin Chaio company of Japan didn’t even go to the expense of  wrapping enough material around them to finish the “chicks” despite the fact that they’re mounted in front of a mirror! But I can understand that a person who thinks these “chicks” are beautiful enough to be encased, and that they’re, in fact, “chicks” to begin with, would miss something so basic as their bare backs. It’s enough that the “chicks” are beautiful. And that it’s Easter!

Happy Easter to all and may your chicks all be beautiful! (And actual chicks.)

19Apr 2011

Allee Willis’ Kitsch O’ The Day – Happy Passover! Hebrew Smurf Tile

19Apr 2011

Allee Willis’ Kitsch O’ The Day – Happy Passover! Hebrew Smurf Tile

I never really got into The Smurfs. That shade of blue was definitely not my favorite color and I didn’t have the patience to learn the Smurf language. I also didn’t have the patience to study Hebrew for the couple of years I attended Hebrew school at Beth Aaron, right across the street from Mumford High in Detroit, so have no idea what this Smurf is saying.

The only thing that kept me going to Hebrew School for the two years of one afternoon a week after school I went was the candy truck in the parking lot where we boarded the bus. I was bad enough at languages that use English lettering but once it came to Hebrew (or Chinese or Arabic or anything else that wasn’t the straight 26 letters I was used to) my brain turned into a quivering Jell-O mold. I hope this Smurf is saying nice to go along with the flowers he’s offering.

If only he was holding a bottle of Mogen David.

I do love that he’s speaking in a language other than his native Dutch or adopted English. And I do hope he’s not saying anything anything offensive but, rather, something like “Have and happy Passover and please enjoy the matzoh.”.

27Feb 2011

Allee Willis’ Kitsch O’ The Day – 1976 Do-It-Yourself Oscar Kit

27Feb 2011

Allee Willis’ Kitsch O’ The Day – 1976 Do-It-Yourself Oscar Kit

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This is a product worthy of an Oscar for Best Kitsch, a fake wood cardboard stand-up “plaque” that looks suspiciously like the piece of cardboard that comes with any cheap picture frame, stapled on, staples askew, emblazoned with a cheap gold embossed sticker with three imprints, none of which have anything to do with the Academy Awards other than a trophy featuring a nude female athlete that kinda sorta is in that Oscar trophy pose. All of this is encased in a really cheap brittle plastic enclosure that’s tinted gold to make it look more “fancy”.

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The writing on the package slays me. As if any idiot wouldn’t know to “INSCRIBE IN ALLOTED SPACE YOUR OWN GRAND AWARD WITH ANY BALLPOINT PEN”.  How well written! And how worthy of ALL CAPS!

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These “Awards for those you Love and Admire” – I guess ALL THREE stickers are Oscar worthy despite the lack of tie-in – were made by Syd Art Novelty Company, Inc. of New York in 1976.

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The Do-It-Yourself Oscar is “Fun Giving for Gags”. Then come the words “Sports” and “Occasions.”, the latter of which somehow also merits a period.

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Perhaps next time Syd Art could hire an actual writer rather than some family member to create language for a product that supposedly honors achievements in creativity.

Another excellent feature of this prestigious award replica is that the price tag is still on and it’s from the Hollywood Magic store, a relic a lot older than this do-it-yourself Oscar, that’s still alive and well on Hollywood Boulevard, just down the street from where the real Oscars take place tonight.

May you feel like an Oscar winner today! If so, get your Sharpie out.

14Feb 2011

Allee Willis’ Kitsch O’ The Day – Glowing Lovers Valentines Day Lamp

14Feb 2011

Allee Willis’ Kitsch O’ The Day – Glowing Lovers Valentines Day Lamp


This 1980’s plaster salute to love was a hot ticket item in Mexican swap meets in Southern California throughout the 80’s and 90’s. Although back then they were too cheesy for my just-out-of-the-gate budding love of kitsch which, although quite robust, still hadn’t crossed the line to full blown Camembert such as the love interpreted here. Thank God, I had the presence of mind to buy these Siamese lovers as lamps, plain sculptures, towels and any other material their love could be possibly be moulded or stamped upon.

The lamp lovers are very fit.

They look much more romantic backlit.

Her hair sweeps back and his sweeps forward, representing the push/pull magnetism of the universe.

With the lights on, the lovers look a little dusty in the chest area. This is why I hate this kind of matte finish on ceramics; all the imperfections show.  Like in real life, leaving the lights on despite the fact you spent all day at a flea market and haven’t had a chance to shower yet.

Most of all, I love that my cat Niblet loves spending time with the lamp lovers.

May anyone reading this be glowing all day today.  And remember, the real glow comes from within, so mate or no mate, I hope you wish yourself a very very VERY happy Valentines Day today!

11Feb 2011

Allee Willis’ Kitsch O’ The Day – Del Rubio Triplet Valentine’s Day Cards Progress Report

11Feb 2011

Allee Willis’ Kitsch O’ The Day – Del Rubio Triplet Valentine’s Day Cards Progress Report

When I, along with Hidden Los Angeles, put out the call a few weeks ago that for Valentine’s Day we wanted to bring as many V-Day cards as possible to Milly Del Rubio, the last surviving Del Rubio Triplet, I was hoping that at least a few of you would put pen to card and help amass a stash. I’m happy to report that hundreds of cards have been rolling in!

Every single card is wonderful and beyond appreciated. Some of you went beyond the call of duty and created extra special wonderfulness:

If you haven’t sent a card in already please show Milly the wuv and send one to her NOW c/o me, 11684 Ventura Blvd., Suite 430, Studio City, CA 91604.

Here’s Milly at a Valentine’s Day dance a couple of years ago:

So Milly won’t be sitting alone this year, I’m bringing all your cards to her nice and early this coming Monday morning, Valentines Day itself. Here’s the Valentine’s Day card The Del Rubio’s sent me in 1996:

Here’s what I sent back to them:

Anyone who ever went to one of their shows can tell you that The Del Rubio Triplets made you feel like every day was Valentine’s Day.

Here’s to a golden V-Day for Milly and for you too!

And, once again, it’s Milly Del Rubio, c/o Allee Willis, 11684 Ventura Blvd., Suite 430, Studio City, CA 91604.

06Feb 2011

Allee Willis’ Kitsch O’ The Day – There’s More Cheese On Super Bowl Sunday Than What’s On The Pizza

06Feb 2011

Allee Willis’ Kitsch O’ The Day – There’s More Cheese On Super Bowl Sunday Than What’s On The Pizza

In the lexicon of kitsch, ‘cheese’ and ‘cheesy’ are words often used to describe objects that grace the highest echelon of kitsch itself. As if there wasn’t enough cheese to go around on Super Bowl Sunday between the dedicated–to–the-point–of-Camembert headgear and face paint that loyal fans wear to the game, the obscene price of tickets, the even more obscene money dumped into commercials, the melted cheese on the pizza and hot dogs… it’s a veritable wheel of Brie when throngs gather around the TV screen or freeze in the stadium to watch people ram into each other insuring that life after 50 will be spent in the maximum amount of pain possible.

Although I happen to own the pert little 1950’s looseleaf pictured above, that purchase had much more to do with celebrating teenage years in an innocent age than celebrating February’s favorite sport. So I thought I’d take a tour of eBay today and see what football kitsch was available to anyone in a shopping mood who might want to sprinkle a little more cheese on their Super Bowl Sundae. Here are my Top 20 Cheddar picks:

Without question, this simple, homemade and very brown tribute to football lamp ranks high:

Although if I had my choice of only one thing it might be this stuffed Houston Oilers cheerleader:

I wonder if her sport skills include this?

I think the designer of this tee-shirt, listed on Ebay as “vtg-80s-RaBBiT-FooTBALL-BoW-BuNNY-CuTE-SWEATSHIRT-S_M” might definitely have such a skill:

I doubt that’s what  Mickey had in mind though…

…or this dork who I never want to see in a football jersey or anything else again:

Same with this guy:

When it comes to plush, I’ll stick to balls.

The one on top of this 1970’s Avon bottle isn’t bad:

I never thought of a football as ergonomically shaped, so this phone can’t be too comfortable to hold in your hand:

Whoever hand-beaded this tiny little football charm was very comfortable with a glue gun in their hand:

I wish it had been a football phone or glue gun that were in this juiced up football player’s hand instead of what we all know was in it in 1994:

How completely ugly is this Treasured Times football frame?

And how completely inappropriate is a football in the hands of this little 1961 porcelain Christmas angel?

And how completely dumb is it to permanently mount a glass on top of a football helmet, albeit a miniature one?

How completely ugly, inappropriate and dumb are fanny packs under any circumstance, any time and any place?

But how completely perfect is this football positioned as a towering head in order to sell this vintage protective device?

Also at the head is the football on this 1950s Dazey  butter churner:

While you’re churning your butter perhaps you’d like some beer.

But don’t drink too much or you may end up with hips like this player:

Throw a little whiskey into the brew and  it could be an early Valentine’s Day:

May you be enjoying all the cheese possible this Superbowl Sunday!

03Jan 2011

Allee Willis’ Folks O’ The Day – Friends Over The Holidaze

03Jan 2011

Allee Willis’ Folks O’ The Day – Friends Over The Holidaze

I have a lot of friends. I love my friends. I even wrote the theme song. As I usually work as far as the hands on the clock stretch, I mostly see my friends at parties, which is where most of them see each other too.  The seven-day stretch between Christmas and New Year’s is always fun as it’s chocked full of some of the best of them. And for the last umpteen years, the same two friends throw a New Years Eve and New Years Day party respectively, taking the pressure out of the holidays as along with sugar cookies and cheese balls I know what and, most importantly, who to expect:

Me, Charles Phoenix and Prudence Fenton:

Michael Des Barres, Roseanne Barr, Sally Kellerman, Dweezil Zappa and me:

Billy Bob Thornton and me:

Matt Groenig and me:

Buck Henry, me, Gail Zappa:

Me, Steve Vai and Pia Vai:

Me, Beverly D’Angelo and Eric Idle:

Dweezil Zappa and me:

Me, Dr. Kildare Richard Chamberlain and Nancye Ferguson:

Michael McDonald and me:

Peter Asher and me:

Me and Stan Zimmerman:

Nancye Ferguson, me and Beverly D’ Angelo:

Prudence Fenton, Jim Burns aka Sgt. Frank Woods, me:

Nancye Ferguson, Michael DesBarres and me:

Candy Clark, Bob Garrett and me:

Me and Charles Phoenix:

The bagpipe player who serenaded Gail Zappa on her New Year’s Day birthday:

Me, Antonio Hendricks, Prudence Fenton and Nancye Ferguson:

Diva Zappa, me, Irene Ramp:

Ian Buchanan, me, Nancye Ferguson:

Now back to work and to more wonderful friends in 2011!

02Jan 2011

Allee Willis’ Kitsch O’ The Day – Happy Fake Jan Day!! Celebrate With A Wonderful Cheese Ball!

02Jan 2011

Allee Willis’ Kitsch O’ The Day – Happy Fake Jan Day!! Celebrate With A Wonderful Cheese Ball!

We are blessed here at The Allee Willis Museum Of Kitsch at AWMOK.com to have an actual Brady in our Bunch and, as such, “Fake Jan Day” is now one of our National Kitsch Holidays! If you don’t know what “Fake Jan Day” is, Cindy Brady will explain it to you here.

Should you not decide to celebrate Fake Jan Day by dressing as a fake Jan I would suggest you simply acknowledge this most precious Kitsch National Holiday by ingesting the traditional “Fake Jan Day” food, the beloved sculptural culinary wonder known as the Cheese Ball. As far as I’m concerned, any day one has an official excuse to make a Cheese Ball is a holiday worth celebrating!

Oops, I didn’t mean those Cheese Balls.

I know the Christmas decorations are finally packed away but squirting cream cheese out of a frosting cone to enhance your Cheese Ball means that Santa gets one more closeup here at AWMOK.

It takes hardly any prodding at all to get me into the kitchen and in artistic mode to begin crafting a Cheese Ball. Were I not so lazy and overextended from holiday parties I might have even made it to the supermarket to construct one of my own so that it might serve as a veritable religious icon in the celebration of  Fake Jan Day. However, YouTube proved to be a loyal assistant here, and finding enough cheese balls, both gastronomic and human, proved an easy task.  So, if the holy fromage spirit inspires you to celebrate Fake Jan Day, wash your hands now and get ready to roll!

“Deep Fried Cheese Ball” – There seems to be a few steps missing here:

“Cheese Ball” – And now for the silent treatment:

“Corn Of Plenty Mini Cheese Ball recipe” – Don’t any of these people have heads?

“How To Make A Cheesy Spider Cheese Ball” – This is for Halloween but I’m sure it will keep til then:

“How To Make A Cheese Ball” – If the energy were any lower here I’d bottle it and take it to get to sleep every night:

“Pineapple Cheese Ball – Happy New Year”  I’m not sure if Pineapple Cheese Ball is the name of the dish or our sparkling hostess:

I never made a cheese ball of the magnitude of the following but I did make quite an impressive mashed potato ball once:

I sculpted the ball out of mashed potatoes, hit it with red food coloring, and stuck olives, gherkins and miniature corns in for a satellite effect and then fit it on top of my 1950’s Saturn shaped coffee urn for maximum presentational effect. You can see it and other impressive food ideas in my 1991 tiny short film, “Foxy’s Tips On Love – The Road To A Man’s Stomach Is Color-Coordinated”.

Whether you make your balls out of cheese, mashed potatoes or whatever ball material you choose I hope you have a very festive Fake Jan Day today!