And now, the  Oscar for Best Motion Picture…. goes to… The Artist!

As I hunkered  down to watch the Oscars yesterday, the first time I had ever watched it alone due to pressing deadlines on my end, I remembered the last time I sat down to watch a global event unfold on TV. It was when Carmageddon was predicted when the 405 freeway had to close for a day in LA last summer. I thought about it a few days before and decided to go through my vast collection of digital images of bad album covers and match them to the demolition/construction events as they occurred in real time. Last night, as soon as I saw Mila Jovovich be the first star to walk down the red carpet…

…I realized I could take the same approach to the Oscars as Carmageddon as the stars continued to arrive:

I pride myself on being a daredevil artist, ready to field any creative challenge thrown down in seconds. So as the Oscars were announced, I gave myself between the time the presenter walked on stage til the moment the winner was announced to scan through close to 5000 images and pick the appropriate stinker LP cover for each category. Here then are The Allee Willis Museum Of Kitsch Oscar winners, in the order I posted them but starting with the after party and  final award, and ending with the stars arriving earlier in the day:

Have fun at the after parties!:

Best Motion Picture:

Best Actress:

Best Actor:

Best Director:

Best Animated Film:

Best Original Screenplay:

Best Original Song:

Best Original Score:

The inevitable speech by the head of the Academy:

Best Supporting Actor:

Best Special Effects:

Best Sound Mixing:

Best Supporting Actress:

Best Foreign Film:

Best Makeup:

Best Costume Design:

Sasha Baron Cohen wasn’t the only one who arrived carrying something:

The actors are looking especially fabulous:

Fashions continue to astound:

The stars are in exquisite fashions:

Congratulations to all the Allee Willis Museum Of Kitsch Oscar winners!

 

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Local news is my favorite TV to begin with. The tans, the hairspray, the fact that I know all of the locations, all this makes for exciting kitsch viewing. Last Friday, when Carmageddon – a term I hate but one which took on mythic proportion in weeks past – was about to hit as a 10 mile stretch of the 405 freeway was closing for repairs, my house was stocked with food and I had enough work to keep me locked inside for months.

Saluting the madness with an array of transportation related cheesy LP covers that I posted on Facebook, one for every hour the freeway remained closed, was my way of having my own little Carmageddon celebration all weekend long. As it happened, the work was completed way ahead of schedule so I only got to serve 35 slices of LP cheese as opposed to the full wheel of 52.

The following is the full platter, posted in real time as events occurred. Captions following each LP were submitted by Facebook followers and appear in italics.

LP#1 – The first ramp closes.

Mark Blackwell: “”Willie go ’round in circles…”” ‎

Mike Itsbatmansilly: “This brother is so smooth he gets tweets from Jesus”

Laurie Smith: If Willie was serious about the rapture then he’d have a sun roof.

Mark Blackwell: “With Jesus as his co-pilot, Willie always takes the carpool lane…

Mark Christian Miller: Driving Mass Crazy

Amy Ronis: One toke over the line, sweet Jesus….

 

LP#2 – More ramps closing.

Vinca Price: Look at those headlights! Oh, the car isn’t bad, either.

Mark Blackwell: ‎”It’s what’s under the hooker…er, i mean ‘hood’…that counts…”

Laurie Smith: Central Parking lot.

Amy Ronis: ‎”Broadsided on the freeway.”


LP#3 – Only a couple ramps left open.

Mark Blackwell: ‎”Like a Jeannie in a bottleneck…”


LP#4 – All ramps closed.

Howie Pyro: i WSHHHHHHHHHHH they would shut up with this Carmageddon crap!

Mark Blackwell: SHHHHHHHHHHHHH…it.

Amy Ronis: c’mon and “VOGUE!”


LP# 5 – Freeway completely closes. I’m going to bed.

Ted Nimmo: “I was sure I left my trailer here.”

David Gene Echt: “Is this the Smoking Car?”

Steve Stubbleyou: “Man, I sure could use a ride to Sugartown from Nancy right about now.”


LP#6 – Carpooling on city streets.

David George: Thinking of changing their name to the 4-0-Five and leading a parade on the newly completed carpool lane…

Mark Blackwell: Crystal mess…

Amy Ronis: Carpoolin’ chain gang

Steven Collings Russell: “Drop my hand and PUSH, bitch!”

 

By this point, Demolition is in full gear.

 

LP#7 – So far none of the freeways are backed up.

Mark Blackwell: Al B. Not-So-Sure…


LP#8 –  $4 Jet Blue flights from Burbank to Long Beach sold out in less than an hour.

Bob Ricketts: Is that co-pilot in drag ????

Cheryl Bianchi: Fly the friendly cielos…

Mark Blackwell: ‎”Odd is my co-pilot…”

Steve Stubbleyou: Founders of the Mile High Club.

Danetta Cox Cordova:  Sorry to say, they never let women fly back then. She’s just keeping the co-pilot’s seat warm.


LP#9 – Bicyclists start crosstown race against Jet Blue flight to long Beach.

Mark Blackwell: Ass transit…

Steve Stubbleyou: Watch for speed rumps, er, bumps.

Mark Milligan: Booty biker

Mark Blackwell: Stay clear of the center divider…


LP#10 – People are discouraged from standing on ramps to chart the freeway progress.

(Sorry, none of the captions made me laugh.)

 

LP#11 – Passengers on the $4 sold-out, 150-seat Jet Blue flights were greeted at the airport with balloons and a Carmageddon cake.

Mark Blackwell: Two moon junction…


LP#12 – Car alternatives abound.

Cheryl Bianchi: Put another Shrimp on the …vespa?

Steve Stubbleyou: Joni Mitchell in her blue phase: Help me, I think I’ve fallen and I can’t get up.


LP#13 – Nice day to stay at home and wash the car.

Mark Blackwell: Got lost on his way to the california grapes audition…

Amy Ronis: Fasten your seatbelts, It’s going to be a schlumpy ride!

Steve Stubbleyou: Unsafe in any Speedo.


LP#14 – All dressed up but no 405 to roll down…

Mark Blackwell: The Pillage People.


LP#15 – Many folks have come up with imaginative alternatives to driving a car….

Kimberly King-Burns – ‎”I thought you said banana split?”

Betsy McGowan: Day O Day O….daylight come and I wanna go home!

Mark Blackwell: Millie’s recovery in the institution has been slow, but as she herself always said, ‘time will tell’….

Timothy W. Ladd: Time will tell if Millie is a man.

 

LP#16 – Demolition is going smoothly, though news reports say there may be some damage to the road below from falling concrete.

Mark Blackwell:  “Okay guys, take it to the bridge…”

Jerrod Cardwell: Work stoppages due to intermittent bouts of “funkiness.”


LP#17 – I can’t believe I missed the last Jet Blue flight from Burbank to Long Beach.

Kimberly King-Burns: ‎”So I’m sitting here at El Toro and not a single Blue Angel blew me a kiss!”

Amy Ronis: Decca-dent!

 

LP#18 –  110 freeway downtown getting crowded as people head to the Coliseum for the LA Galaxy vs. Real Madrid soccer game.

Joseph Bacon: If they only had a Pink Cadillac they could have cruised down the Freeway of Love.


LP#19 – There’s lots of Carmageddon parties going on in LA tonight.

Mark Blackwell: Sweden’s just another word for nothin’ left to lose…

Danetta Cox Cordova: “Vee can move this old vilding and make just enough voom to park vis car, if only vee push harder. Come on voys, harder I say!”


LP#20 – While most Angelinos stayed out of their cars, David Hasselhoff stayed on his.

Richard Pedretti-Allen: He’s holding a C7 chord but that stance says B# and though I would classify Hasselhoff as A-diminished, I hope that car has A flat.

Mark Blackwell: Nicht Rocker….

Steve Stubbleyou: Faster than a speeding mullet…

Danetta Cox Cordova: Thought bubble of girl in car:  “I am so tired of the Hoff doing this at every red light.”


LP#21 – Drunk driver on the 101 right now. Police in pursuit.

Mark Blackwell: Better Czech yourself before you wreck yourself.

Danette Cox Cordova: Riding a nose giant nose trimmer in outer space with elf shoes on. Add to bucket list.


LP#22 – People found lots of ways of getting around the 405 today.

Mark Blackwell: neck and neck…

Tamara Ragus: “O.K., now cough.”

Mike Gormley: Together Again.

Amy Ronis: Bjork’s 2012 Grammy awards dress.

Deb Walker Weaver: This is what happens when all the good men are taken.

Julia C.R. Gray: With your legs and my brains, the detours will be cake.

Mark Blackwell: Gee-iraffe your hair smells terrific…

 

LP#23 – Taxi drivers say the shutdown is bad for business and that they had to wait 2 hours at LAX before anyone needed a cab.

Mark Blackwell:  Life in the brass lane…surely makes you lose your mind…

Steve Stubbleyou:  Gilligan and MaryAnne pick up a few extra bucks in the off-season. (And by the way, don’t those tires look delicious?)


LP#24 – Even the truckstops were empty today.

Amy Ronis: Truckstop Barbie!


LP#25 – LA roads were deserted today. Which makes the car chase happening as we speak a whole different adventure.

Amy Ronis: Vagabond dreams of Edward Hopper…

Mark Blackwell: Buddy can you spare a dame…?

 

Once the car chase, which lasted over 3 hours began, there were no more TV reports re Carmageddon. To call it a non-event is an understatement. Which is actually good news as Angelinos heeded the call and it looks like we’ll all be back on the road soon.

LP#26 – Officials remind us “It’s legal to drink beer and fly, whereas the cyclists have to follow all the rules.”

Mark Blackwell: Brigitte Bar-not.

Laurie Smith: Nice motorthighcle!

Steve Stubbleyou: (to the tune of “The Letter”) Gimme a honey on a Harley/ Make her kinda nasty and gnarly/ Oh Brigitte Bardot/ Take it nice and slow/ My baby, she rode me in leather.


DAY 2

LP#27 – Department of Transportation says they’re ahead of schedule and all will be back to normal soon!

Steve Stubbleyou: ¿Donde estan los bumper cars, por favor?

Mark Blackwell: ‎5 drive 55

 

LP#28 – Carmageddon ending soon!! I knew I should’ve rented a truck to move the piano.

Laurie Smith: And 3 seconds later Donny’s solo career was over.

Amy Ronis: Donny plays piano…Marie plays conductor!


LP#29 – Carmageddon ending soon!! Hop into the truck, girls!

Kellie Cracker: Mormon truckers have all the fun!!

Mars Parham: Mormon Convoy!!

Sid Limitz: Show me the way to Petticoat Junction.

Amy Ronis: Sisterwives are doin’ it for themselves!

Mark Blackwell: Mormongeddon…

 

LP#30 – Carmageddon ending soon!! Let’s go to the beach!

Alison Hay: Carpooling down Benedict Canyon was proving to be a challenge.


LP#31 – Carmageddon ending soon!! Now we can get the organ back to the church!

Kellie Cracker: At least he still has his organ.

Mark Blackwell: armandlegageddon…

 

LP#32 – Carmageddon’s ending soon! Great, now I don’t have to ride the dog!

Mark Blackwell: Sounds better if you’ve got a big woofer.

Steve Stubbleyou: Go Greyhound … and leave the wifey to us.

Mark Blackwell: No barking zone

 

North side 0f the 405 reopens!

 

LP#33 – Get me to Mission Hills!

Amy Ronis: Pixar test drives its special effects team for “Up”

Mark Blackwell: Little Red Bore-vette…

Steve Stubbleyou: With balloons in my eye/And my hand on your thigh/ That’s amore…

 

LP#34 – Carmageddon’s almost over! Time to put the Double Double down and get back on the road.

Mark Blackwell: The truck stops here…

Amy Ronis: This big Bud’s for you!

Mark Blackwell: Bertha control…

 

LP#35 – It’s over!! Thank you, construction crews, for a speedy, non-Caramageddon weekend!

Amy Ronis: Hot-diggitty!

 

Carmageddonot actually only lasted 37 hours. Angelinos were model citizens and stayed home or in their neigborhoods. It felt like a holiday weekend, which is healthy for a city once in a while. And that means there are 17 slices of LP cheese leftover for when the other side of the freeway gets done in eleven months and the whole Carmageddonot starts all over again.  At least for now, the freeway is back to normal. I really do LOVE LA!

great-guy-cup_2243

This “For A Great Guy” cup is large enough to hold enough steaming brew for Dad to sip and ponder the wonderfulness of fatherhood as exhibited on these astounding LP covers featuring families all fluffed and coiffed for their musical debuts.  I thank the following families for looking and dressing so good as to commemorate Dad’s magnificent power to pop out the little ones who support their fathers no matter how misguided their appearance decisions may be.

On this LP cover Dad can feel like it’s Christmas all year round when he wears his new robins egg blue polyester jacket and whatever’s in that box. My only wish is that he had more hair so he could have the same flat-as-a-landing-strip haircut his son does.

moms and dads

I’m happy to see the lavender-tinged Gill family celebrating Dad by wearing matching napkins around their neck. Dad’s haircut seems to have inspired all the male Gills except Junior down on the right.  I give him til he’s 12.

gill fam

Wow, Dad’s growth hormones definitely worked on the vertical plane.  And mom spent all her afternoons studying the Kennedy women in Life Magazine.

god calledme to sing

The entire Einert family has excellent head shapes for the follicular style that atops them.  Mommy’s hair looks like Jiffy Pop and Bill and Jim’s ties look like they’re made from a tablecloth. I’m serious. Where’s the knot? And why are the Einerts so happy if, in fact, God is slipping away?

bill mary ji,

Not at all sure what happened to Daddy here other than he had the good sense to be photographed in front of a fake brick wall.

soemting happened to dad

Happy Father’s Day to all the sharp dressed men with matching families out there and may you all be sipping something special out of a ginormous Great Guy cup.

great-guy-cup_2246 great-guy-cup_2247

italiannette2

An excellent sign of Kitsch is when names are bent and mutated to fit a purpose.  This one’s a perfect blend – The ever-Italian Mouseketeer, Annette, with the perfect name (and flip hairdo) to add that guaranteed-to-be-cheesy ‘ette’ onto the end of something to assure its kitschified status.

Annette Funicello’s embroidered blouse may be as snappy as her fingers but nothing’s knocking me more out than her perfectly painted lips. About 20 years ago I was in a thrift shop. It was pouring rain, perfect conditions to hit the outside bargain area where they’ll practically give away things for free on a rainy day just to not have to deal it after.  There was a canvas lying face down on the ground. There was no chance it was going to be good as even if something fabulous was painted on it it was surely now melted from soaking in the bathtub sized puddles. But lo and behold, when I turned it over I almost melted myself. It was a hand-painted portrait of Annette, nary a hair askew, colors as vibrant as the day her ever-present smile popped out of the womb.  And even better, there was a cut out photo of her lips pasted next to her on the canvas and in large childlike scroll this autograph in lipstick:  “To Tony, Lots of luck to you always! Love, Annette”.

Annette-portrait_2468

This portrait deserves a lot more than a quick mention in a post about something else, even something as great as “Italiannette”. So I merely show it here as evidence that my story above is true as the autographed portrait is deserving of its own Kitsch O’ The Day exploration which will happen someday soon. I think I’m going to put on “Italianette” and enjoy looking at it even more right now.

Jesus-use-me-LP

With the hairdo on the left looking like the perfect bundt cake, a bulldog in the middle and a bouffanted Jay Leno on the right, what Jesus used was The Faith Tones’ heads to perform some of the most astounding hair artistry in the history of Christian album covers, the Kentucky Derby of cheese championships in the 1960’s and 70’s.

I love that The Faith Tones invested in matching baby blue polyester tops that would go up in flames if a match were within twenty feet of them but stopped short of buying matching blouses or scarves or whatever they’re wearing underneath. I suppose the theory was “no one will notice” and with the indisputably best hairdos of the 20th Century they were almost right.

Although this LP has made the Internet rounds, something so astounding always bears repeating. The Faith Tones and their heavenly follicles have indeed ascended to the throne of Kitsch Klassics!

Witone hairdo looking like the perfect bundt cake and a bouffanted Jay Leno on the right, what Jesus used was The Faith Tones’ heads to perform some of the most astounding hair artistry in the history of Christian album covers, the Kentucky Derby of cheese championships in the 1960’s and 70’s. I love that the Faith Tones invested in matching baby blue polyester tops that would go up in flames if a match were within twenty feet of them but stopped short of buying matching blouses or scarves or whatever they’re wearing underneath. I suppose the theory was “no one will notice” and with the undisputable best hairdos of the 20th Century they almost got it right.

Although this LP has made the Internet rounds something so astounding always bears repeating. The Faith Tones have indeed ascended to the throne of Kitsch Klassicism

christian-crusaders-lp-al-davis

Not sure what kills me most about this Christian Crusaders LP cover: The guys’ matching shirts, ties and Good Humor pants, how the spaghetti-thin flip-adorned female’s 70’s rug-like skirt misses the color scheme completely, the arrangement of flesh under the large guy’s pants, the twists and turns of his greased hair helmet and pork chop sideburns, the mystery of the exact size of the scrunched up guy on the ledge or that this religious LP features “The Monkey Song”. If the Christian Crusaders and Al Davis sound anywhere as good as they look we’re all in for a joyful noise!