Allee Willis’ Kitsch O’ The Day – As Generic As It Gets

When it comes to kitsch, there’s always an excellent chance of it thriving in a 99¢ store. Even more so when it’s a penny less:

Once it’s one cent less than the kitsch standard, there’s a guaranteed level of cuckoo-ness going on in many of the specially made products that suck up shelf space like muscles on a reef at these places. There’s so much wrong about this particular product that makes it makes my eyeballs spin.  First, I always love when essential information about the capabilities of the product are hidden once the product is inserted in its plastic packaging.

Also nice when the product name itself is covered once the product is secure in the package.

Even better is when the product in use is illustrated and there’s no clear connection between the graphic and the product.  I don’t know what this leather-like attache case and accesories are supposed to show about the prowess of contact cement.  Was the entire set fabricated using it?

Even better is the implication of the second “use”: gluing together an entire dining room set!

The directions on the back stress  to always avoid “cintact” with eyes.

As far as the rest of the jumble in the directions, I thought I was buying contact cement and not plaster…

The uses of plaster and contact cement are quite different. And I didn’t know that there was a materials such as “wood leather” or “cotton yamed”.  And I’m always wild about a misplaced comma as in “same or, various substances”. All of which leads me to conclude that this kitsch find couldn’t be more of this if it tried:

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Categories: Consumer Alert!, Crafts, Kitsch, Kitsch O' The Day, Products

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Allee Willis’ Kitsch O’ The Day – The Bath Thing

One of my favorite genres of kitsch is products from China with translations that have run hideously amuck. It’s not even that the products are bad – though in this case I may have hit the jackpot – so much as the language and packaging used to promote them is so confused as to be nonsensical. In this case, the Bath Thing is a “New century Sanitarian thing”.

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Categories: Bad translations, Bathroom, Health & Beauty, Kitsch, Kitsch O' The Day, Products

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Allee Willis’ Kitsch O’ The Day – “Soap Tunes” Musical Hand Soap and the ASCAP Love Fest

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The concept of this “Foaming  Musical Hand Soap for Kids!” is really crazy. Theoretically kids can “wash & learn” at the same time. But the biggest thing they’re going to learn is that the quality of the speaker in this thing is so poor that the only one who could possibly hear the music clearly is an insect who somehow slipped through one of the speaker holes and got trapped in the goo, forced to listen to the nearly inaudible and annoying little gremlin voice singing something about washing around your face and continuously spelling S-O–A.–P.

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Categories: Bathroom, Celebrity, Hollywood, Kitsch, Kitsch O' The Day, Music, Party, Products, Songwriting

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Allee Willis’ Kitsch O’ The Day – Japanese Paper Toilet Seat Cover Paste

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I love Japanese convenience products born out of blended east and west needs and Pop Culture, especially ones by way of Vietnam as this toilet product is. In this case, not only are the translations awkward but the product is too. You affix these strips that look somewhere between oversized sanitary pads and shoe inserts on the rim of your toilet seat and then peel them off after you remove your “bottom”, only to use them again the next time you rest on the porcelain throne. Apparently, this saves you the trouble of washing the toilet seat or worrying that you’re going to be sitting on someone else’s nasty stuff. I, personally, would still be concerned as I don’t want to be bending over the facilities trying to flick up the end of some reusable Paper Toilet Seat Cover Paste. And what does that name mean anyway?

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Categories: Accessories, Bad translations, Bathroom, Kitsch, Kitsch O' The Day, Products

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Allee Willis’ Kitsch O’ The Day – Toilet Paper Cozy

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If one were to pick up doing crafts as a hobby one of the easiest things to make would surely be this happy little gal toilet paper cozy. A ratty piece of fake fur stitched together with a plastic doll head and adorned, if you’re lucky, with a little satin bow and some kind of cheap necklace, usually with the glue the ‘jewels’ are nesting in sloppily poking out of the sides.

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Categories: Accessories, Bathroom, Hair, Kitsch, Kitsch O' The Day, Products

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Allee Willis’ Kitsch O’ The Day – Vintage Sweetie Soda Bottle

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I’m not sure what flavor of liquid came in this bottle but the Sweetie logo featuring an early ’50s extra-pert secretarial type sucking on a straw that looks more like a striped cigarette would have had me buying this drink no matter what it tasted like.  Beautifully designed with the concentric circles on the pyro-glazed logo echoing the raised flanges of glass above it, the aesthetic effects of this squat little 8″ Sweetie bottle would make anything taste good.

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Categories: Art, Drink, Kitsch, Kitsch O' The Day, Products

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Allee Willis’ Kitsch O’ The Day – Diver Plunger

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Ten years old and Italian, this diver plunger is only about half the size of a normal one but performs his duties ably. Although I’m not about to plunge it into a toilet because of its diminutive size, it rests under the bathroom sink where my cat, Niblet, loves to drink water and waits patiently for hours until I dole out a few drips. As cute as that is, her fur eventually clogs the pipes and it’s then I reach for the diver, always perfectly poised to make the plunge. He delivers every time!

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Categories: Bathroom, Furniture and Housewares, Kitsch, Kitsch O' The Day, Products

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Allee Willis’ Kitsch O’ The Day – “The Fist” Air Freshener

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This goldplated bejeweled hunk of plastic air freshener is without question the greatest of its ilk I’ve ever seen.  I, thank God, had the presence of mind to buy the entire stock of two when I saw them at a Pic ‘N Save in the mid-90s and one rode around on the dash of my ’55 Studebaker Commander until I just couldn’t take the glut of sticky sweet strawberry fumes any more.  Which was a blessing in disguise as I almost killed myself several times when the glare from the sparkling gold multifaceted fist almost blinded me.

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Categories: Accessories, Kitsch, Kitsch O' The Day, Products, Sculpture

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Allee Willis’ Kitsch O’ The Day – ‘Real Silk’ with Real, Chance & Luenell

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Anyone who knows me knows I love Reality TV.  Of all the contestants on all the nutty dating shows I went especially nuts over Chance and Real, aka Ahmad and Kamal Givens aka The Stallionaires, real-life brothers and finalists 2 and 3 on season one of VH-1′s I Love New York. I liked them so much that I co-wrote and co- produced the theme song,  “Does She Love Me”, to their spin-off VH-1 show, Real Chance of Love, with them and younger brother, Micah.

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Categories: Afro, Celebrity, Hair, Health & Beauty, Kitsch, Kitsch O' The Day, Music, Place, Products, Reality tv, Songwriting, TV/Radio

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Allee Willis’ Kitsch O’ The Day – Happy President’s Day! – Obama Chia Pet

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In the kountry of Kitsch, there’s no higher honor bestowed upon a President than that of being commemorated as a Chia Pet. Now Chia Obama joins Chia Washington and Chia Lincoln in achieving that honor.

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Categories: Afro, Crafts, Forgot to Categorize, Kitsch, Kitsch O' The Day, Political, Products

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